"postmodern sleaze"

I'm torn between sitting in my room, watching tv and walking around taking pictures for the first time in EONS. If I had anything remotely resembling a concept for a photo, I'd go with the latter, but my immense laziness (which just hit me) is overriding my want to walk around for a while.

It also looks like its going to rain.

I am also more a fan of night photos.

I'm staring out the window while I'm writing this and I keep seeing cars that look like mine. Same make and model, same color. I WANT MY CAR BACK, GOD DAMMIT!

Got my birth certificate. I gotta send back my motherboard so I can get my passport. I really hope that I get my passport before December 26th, otherwise, well, I don't get to go.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!! THERE'S NOTHING TO DO! (Well, there is, but nothing exactly pressing at the moment.)

I want to watch Disney movies all weekend! With popcorn! And red kool-aid!

I've never understood term "postmodern". Post: "after : subsequent : later." Modern: "of, relating to, or characteristic of the present or the immediate past : CONTEMPORARY." Ergo, POSTMODERNISM IS NOT POSSIBLE. Unless you time travel. It wouldn't even work then because the time that you are currently occupying then becomes "modern" to you. So "postmodern" is NOT aptly named. Who the fuck allows people to name things?

Great, now I have "Postmodern Sleaze" by Sneakerpimps stuck in my head.

"...details are the worst; they are just your soul eviscerated..."

I broke my fucking straight iron and my breaker keeps kicking. I live in the oldest dorm on campus (about 100 yrs old), so that probably means I'm going to end up burning the motherfucker down. I heard that it would go up in flames in mere minutes and they don't think it's worth the money to fix it up. They're just waiting until it burns to the ground so they can build a new technology center or parking lot or something.

I finally put my posters up in my room. And my pictures. I haven't taken REAL pictures in fucking eons. They're all digital and I can't print them out because I have no printer. Or computer, for that matter. Anyway, I spent about 2 hours last night sifting through every photo I had. It looks like 100 cameras were bludgeoned to death in my room, splattering all their innards all over my floor and walls. I miss so much in them.

I need a cheap ass film SLR. I liked the Canon Rebel GII well enough. Maybe I'll steal one for my birthday.

It's not that I'm not grateful for everything I have now and everyone I know. I really, really am. I just get in these moods sometimes. More and more often lately.

And I really feel that there's no one there who understands anymore (sorry Steph & Daniel).

I'm such an ass.

I'm just not into waiting for people anymore. "brb" me and I'll say, "Right. Peace out."

Patience has never been my strong suit.

Just when you think you have it all figured out, you run out of stories to tell.

Buenas noches. ;)

Welcome to my thought process.

Writing my paper on the publication of Doctor Zhivago, I look up and out of the window. "Man alive, its cold. I hope it snows! I wonder if I can still do a back handspring? SHIT! That Millenium scholarship application is due Monday! I should write that down. Oh, well. I'mma write in my blog!"

Damn it. I wonder if I really DO have ADHD.

I REALLY need to get this done. I AM going to bed by 1AM. Peace out, bitches.

"Colder 'n a welldigger's ass!!!"

...To quote my dear old momma...

What kind of dumbass freak puts their hand in something sticky at the library cafe' and propmtly automatically licks her hand?!

NO, Shae! Don't touch the stove! It'll burn you!

Someone should give me those little plastic things that you stick in electrical outlets to keep babies from sticking their fingers in them for my birthday.

It's cold, it's wet, and I'm already ready to get the fuck out of dodge and run back to San Diego.

Anyone wanna go with me? ...We're probably walking, but hey. Where's your sense of adventure?

The steamer at the cafe' sounds like a stegosaurus. No, I don't know why a stegosaurus in particular. We don't ask questions 'round these parts.

WOOT! Break from humanities paper!

Shae took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from s..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

My ass hurts and I'm fucking freezing.

"...no alarms and no surprises, please..."

Things I learned this weekend:
- Good friends will offer to pay for your quesadilla when you're starving and in a fucking terribly depressed mood. GREAT friends will drag your ass out of your dorm room, take you to the grocery store, buy you enough groceries for the next two weeks, take you back to their apartment, and ambush you with Halloween costumes until you agree to go to the Honors Program Halloween party, even though all you want to do is lay in bed with the covers over your head.
- Some places of Richmond eerily resemble scenes from Deliverance. (Or our hometown. Semantics.)
- Free pizza is the shit and best shared with people who have cookies and beer.
- Four people can eat about two whole pizzas without exploding.
- Wearing your contacts for days and days is NOT advised.
- I vastly underestimate the quality of my own damn bed. (I've only seen it once since Wednesday and only because I threatened to walk home by myself at 2am.)
- It doesn't rain sideways.
- Saturday nights are best spent in a room full of gay people, drag queens, and nalgene bottles full of 100 proof vodka and mountain dew.
- Don't jump around to techno music after you drink the hugest mouthful of 100 proof vodka chased by a swig of mountain dew.
- Do NOT forget your camera's battery if you plan on being in a room full of gay people, drag queens, and nalgene bottles full of 100 proof vodka and mountain dew.
- You know you're out of shape when EVERYTHING hurts after a night of booty-shakin'!
- The turkey story NEVER gets old.
- Tequila, rum, and beer + Steak n' Shake at 4am = *joey from blossom* WOAH!
- COTS ARE FUCKING ANNOYING!
- Crappy duplex cookies and pepsi does not a balanced breakfast make.
- Chinese food in the floor of the legal documents section of the library ROCKS!
- One word: COFFEE!!

"*takes a drink of coffee* BAH! You're cold and unsettling. I WANT A DIVORCE!" - Daniel. About his coffee.

"COMING OUT" DANCE DRESS-UP TIME! (No, I'm not, but the dance was fucking fun as hell.):





This one's cropped until I get permission to post from the other person in the pic. :XD

The theme was carnivale. I was fully intending not to go, but then I wanted to get pretty and dance with a drag queen. I had to settle for a drunken gay guy. ;)

"MY GOD, look at the feathers! It looks like a drag queen exploded up in here!" - Amanda, post dance.

"it's 4 o'clock in the fucking morning! each day gets more and more like the last day!"

What kind of wired ass motherfucker drinks 3 beers and still can't sleep? AND has a pulse hovering around 100+?!?! Something's seriously going to have to stop.

Like a lot of things.

*glares at wall on facebook.com* ...A couple of friends are "throwing down" in rhyme about how much they love me... *L* I think hell hath frozen over.

I don't think you quite understand. But I appreciate the sentiment.

Seriously, guys upstairs. It's 4 in the morning. What could you POSSIBLY need from the KITCHEN at FOUR in the MORNING?!

Daniel and Stephanie's jack-o-lantern is named Captain Clit Fuck D'Jango.

That's exactly why I love them.

Because I get to hear things like, "You're going to meet someone new when you get to the apartment. He's a pirate. His name is Cap'n Clit Fuck D'Jango." And, "I wonder if I can jump into my shoes!!!"

I STILL chuckle at, "JESUS THINKS HOTDOGS ARE YUMMY!"

Read Daniel's blog. I'm so very envious of his imagery.

So, we spent some time in the practice rooms in the Foster building around 10pm. Steph was playing piano in one of them, Daniel in another. I was lying (laying?) on the floor in the hallway (as the floor is my most favoritest spot). Sometimes, their otherwise discordant chords meshed so well, even though they were in completely separate rooms. Their time was kept by the humming of a gaudy silver clock protruding from the wall. The sound was reminiscent of the old wind-up toys I used to entertain myself with after a luxurious happy meal. I was completely pleased, as the sound of time SHOULD sound like that. All of us just winding down. Cross graffiti was hewn into one of the thick corkboards on a wall. Some incredulous Christian heathen showed yet another facet of his/her disrespect for the property (and minds) of others.

The world is just littered with irony.

I just want to sleep.

"...waking up early with drums in my ears..."

So, let's add to Shae's problems. The motherboard Shae bought off of ebay that costed her $315? I have just been informed that it doesn't fucking work. *starts down the long road of attempting to get her goddamned monies back* It'd be a lot different if the people who are TRYING to fix my comp hadn't waited TWO MONTHS to tell me it doesn't work.

"Don't blame me!" "I blame YOU!"

I can actually feel my motivation returning. I'm highly grateful for this as I have some serious slack to take up.

I'm going to sell my soul for a passport. It wouldn't be that much of a jump. We sold our souls to be part of this God-forsaken country. It's really just more of a transferral of ownership.

OOH! Guess what Shae did! Sent in the order form thing for her birth certificate and FORGOT TO PUT THE CHECK IN! SO!!! I'm cutting this whole passport thing REAL close.

Skin of my goddamned teeth.

I'mma go do an APA style lab report!

Toodles!

"Even in my dreams, I'm an idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality."

Tomorrow is a whole 'nother day. And by god, I'm not going to fuck it up.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

Now, I am going to go spend my time watching Vanilla Sky (what all these quotes are from) and wasting the rest of my totally wastable day. Because tomorrow, I'm going to wake up and have to fucking run to catch up with my life, which is walking so fast that I have to take two steps for every one just to keep up.

"I GOOD YOU BID EVENING!" *tips hat*

Hrm.

...Maybe that last post was just indigestion...

On the flip side, all I want for Birthmas (Christmas/Birthday as my b-day is Dec. 10) is a TARSIER!!

"...we'll hold hands like paper dolls..."

Man, I feel this great... tension in my chest. Like an anticipation. Like the deep breath before the plunge.

*end of transmission*

"...it looks like the buildings are burning / but it's just the sun setting in the window..."

I have to piss like a champ, but I refuse to move from this very spot.

I took two benedryl about an hour ago and I'm starting to not be able to feel my tongue.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one that benedryl does that to...? (I'm such a pussy.)

Maybe I should have eaten something other than a handful of tortilla chips today? *halo*

Added loads of pics and updated my Myspace account. I still don't plan on updating it anymore. I just may add some photos every once in a great while so as to coax myself into taking them again.

I'M WEARING PIRATE PANTS!

So, the show last night was okay, but I felt sort of like a fish out of water. Loads of high school kids, boys in girls pants, and boys with the same goddamned haircut. I must say that I'm not all that surprised. ;)

"I BET CHUCK TAYLOR'S LAME AS A FUCKING DUCK!!!" - Amanda. Dear fucking god.

"...don't stop crying / you'll flood the streets / we'll take our boats out / just you and me..."

I've unearthed my old love of Noe Venable. Her voice is so fucking beautiful and her lyrics fantastically haunting. And it's nice to be able to sing along with someone you can harmonize with. :XD

My favorite song lately has been "Anna Lisa." It's a hidden track after "In Memoriam" (of which the best line is "When she takes out her trusty switchblade, Maddy can bring enormous men to their knees.") "Anna Lisa" goes as thus:

oh anna lisa
who are you now?
somebody's pisspot or somebody's crown
you throw up your hands and let destiny steer
oh anna lisa
how long has it been
since I crawled out of your
generous dream
waking up early with drums in my ears

anna lisa
anna lisa

so anna lisa
I decided I'd go
and that if I came back
I'd have something to show
and we'd laugh at the people who're laughing at you

anna lisa
anna lisa
none of it came true

oh anna lisa
your sex and your spark
winter companions that glow in the dark
there's love in the way that you held out on me
but though anna lisa
I'd love to believe
in the cheap magic tricks from your cavernous sleeves
I'm not at all what you thought I would be...

anna lisa
anna lisa
none of it came true

Check her out. She's fucking fantastic.

SO! ...About that caramel (I just about typed camel) parfait with oreos I just wolfed down (THANK YOU SHAWN!!!)... Sugar + $5 show in Lexington + fantastic fucking hilarious friends + my digital camera = stupid fucking goodness. I'm SO stoked.

OH! I went to my first hockey game last night. It was fun, but I was kind of uncomfortable at times, as I didn't know the rules OR the players (as everyone I was with did). That's what I get for being an asshole social recluse for 2 years.

I CAN'T SIT STILL! *darts out of comp room*

"...please... underestimate me..."

Man, I have so many freakin' windows open, it's crazy.

"...you're crazed like music..."

*one woman mosh-pit*

How the hell do I get homework done? All I do is wander around in some sleep-deprived, coffee-induced stupor all day. People think I'm stalking them! I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE!!!

I've decided to keep a quotes book thingy (thanks to a friend for the idea because somewhere in translation from life to paper, I forget what the hell was said).

I've been freakin' playin' cd roulette for DAYS! I made 38 cds on the way to/from home last weekend in the dark and only got to label about 10 of them. I LOVE IT!

So, it started freakin' RAINING IN MY DORM on Monday night. 3am. Shae's asleep. And I hear water. And it's not raining OUTSIDE. So I open my damn dorm door and lo and behold, there was WATER coming around the light fixtures and through the tiles. Our hall now smells like a dead fucking body.

Okay, so I'm wearing a sweater and a light jacket (winter clothes) and I'm fucking freezing. I'm gonna go find somewhere in the library to do my Civ homework and go the fuck to sleep.

OH! By-the-bye. I'm now a fucking LEMMING!!! *hides under the facebook.com banner*

"...and I will try to fix you..."

If you think this is my "normal" happy-go-lucky post, turn around. Skip to the next one. It will be long.

So, I think I'm in love with Coldplay. Always have been. Been in denial. This video *points to title of this entry* is particularly fantastic. At one point in time, he's just playing the piano and singing into the microphone and the only accompaniment he has is the voices of thousands of devoted fans. Then, the spotlight catches his breath as it envelopes the microphone, dissipates, and becomes homogeneous with all the other, inconsequential air. It reminded me strongly of a friend I was once close to. And another that I would like to be closer to. Oh, well.

Coming home this weekend was the most emotional barrier that I've had to face since leaving in August. For those of you who know nothing of my home life, too bad. I'm not telling you. I've learned not to fall into that trusting trap again. I always get burned. Anyway, to regress (sort of), EVERYTHING seemed to accumulate and explode into a million pieces in such a short time. I ended up walking down my dark, rural road in the rain. ("Don't ever cry in the pouring rain.") I realized even more why I hated it here when my aunt, grandpa, and some unknown guy in a pickup drove by, asking if everything was okay. I wanted to scream, "JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME BE!!!" No one here knows how to do that. I've found myself just wishing to go back to before I housesat for my aunt. I wouldn't have quit my job. I wouldn't have disillusioned myself any further. I wouldn't have made myself scarce to those I should have realized sooner that I had cared about (cookie to those who are able to translate).

What ever happened to my "no regrets"?

I was ready to go home (to Richmond) 5 minutes after I walked through the door. How the hell did I make it through 3 days?

I'm sorry, momma. It's just not home anymore. I'm just not as strong as I once was. And I doubt I will ever, ever be again.

Stop telling me to, "just look out for me." Caring for people just isn't like that. Obviously, it's about driving myself crazy over people who wouldn't spare one synapse to do the same for me.

Thank you very much, Daniel, for uprighting my chess pieces once again. It has been the longest time since I've spent so long on my phone that it's just died at my fingertips, blinking blue as if it were gasping for one last breath. Since I've sat, freezing and teeth chattering, wrapped up in blankets on the hood of the old oldsmobile or on the tailgate of my papaw's ford f150 because I can't get cell signal inside. Since I ceased to pretend that my life doesn't exist (another cookie for anyone who can unravel the double-negative in that sentence). Thank you for a bit of perspective and forcing me to remember that people fucking suck and to stick to what you know. You're the best not-really-a-brother brother EVER!

You can never forget where you come from. If you do, it always feels like the grille of a Mack truck colliding unceremoniously with what used to be your firm sense of self. Never run away from what made you what you are today. It won't be quite so kind or courteous when you dust off the cover of your autobiography.

A firm, "I'm sorry," to all those wonderful friends (you know who you are) who, no matter what, stick to your guns in thinking I'm not having (or have been having for a few years now) a nervous breakdown. Sometimes, I feel so trite for dwelling, but often times I can't see the forest for the light of my lantern. The kerosene-soaked wick only allows me to see 2 feet in either direction and makes me a little dizzy and disoriented. How's that for irony? Perhaps all I need is a trick of mirrors to project the flame... (Yet more irony.)

A sincere, "Thank you," to those "new" friendships I've managed to obtain (and nurture) recently. You don't have the link to this site, but it doesn't matter. The sentiment is still there.

A cynical, "Fuck you," to all those friends I had the misfortune of thinking I can trust over the years. A list of names should ensue, but I'm afraid I can waste no more of my time or mental power on you.

An enraged, "STOP BEING SO FUCKING NAIVE!" to myself. Beating the old dead horse with this one.

This post is a bit heavy-hearted for my "everyday" blog. Something such as this should go into my diary (which is more private for paranoia reasons), but quite frankly, I don't give a damn. It had to be said in the most public way possible.

Well, it's been a long time since I've sat nursing my frozen fingertips with a cup of green tea in front of a monitor and keyboard, writing an entry for a solid hour. It feels really good. And inspiring.

Maybe I'm really back?

"I am tired of being your savior, and baby I'm tired of telling you why."

Quote of the Day! *fanfare*

"The world's about to be destroyed
There's no point getting all annoyed
Lie back and let the planet dissolve around you
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long and thanks
for all the fiiiiiiiiiish!!!"

- My uncle Mike in the back of my car. They were so nice in letting me drive my car, then I hear this crap coming from the dark abyss of my backseat. (In case you don't know, it's from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie.)

"Have you ever thought about that fine line at which bread stops being bread and becomes toast?"

My Week in Interpretive Stick Figure Animation

Photographic Allegory

Doesn't it seem that all the photos we take with out minds (and our cameras) are always overly saturated and contrasted? Burn, dodge, burn, dodge. Trying to make the colors more vivid. Trying to make everything something more than it really is.

Tomorrow, today will mean relatively nothing and our overly dramatic sense of self will become more fleeting than one could have ever imagined.

Tomorrow, we'll put on the same clothes that we have a hundred times before, walk out the door, and begin to manipulate our surroundings until we get something that we think is beautiful and makes sense. But under all those layers of tweaking the brightness, saturating, desaturating, reducing noise, applying filters, adjusting shutter speeds, ISOs, aperturues, focus rings, tripods, everything is still the same.

I just can never tell whose levels I've changed to suit my own needs. People are so tricky. Trusting people is hard.

...We can always just crop them out...

I think I've found my favorite poem...

...if not my favorite poet. And I'm not quite sure why yet... Maybe it's novelty right now. But here it is:

After the Snowstorm
Boris Pasternak

After the snowstorm - silence
And the surrounding country hovers
In fields of quietness, while I listen
To children singing by the river.

Perhaps I have been mistaken:
Perhaps I am blind, half out of my wits,
But it seems to me winter is a dead woman
Made of white plaster, hurling down the sky.

From overhead the heavens admire the modeling
Of the dead eyelids set in deep relief:
Snow covers everything - the budding trees,
The courtyard, every shaving.

The icy river, the crossing and the landing stage,
The forest, rails, the rubbish and the ditches,
All these are cast in forms immaculate
With rounded corners, without unevenness.

At night I rise upon my sleepless couch,
And in a moment of illumination
I see the whole world lying on a page,
Contained within the frontiers of a verse.

These stumps resemble sculptured figurines
Like the white bushes on the riverbanks,
And so I build a sea of roofs on paper:
The whole wide world, a city in snow.

Quoth the Hopey!

Me: "I really should be reading on some dead dude for a paper anyway."
Hope: "Great, so I am your scapegoat for not respecting dead guys. This means I'M going to hell."
Me: "Of course. By association."

I need to keep up with this "quote of the day" shit. I could probably do one everyday if I weren't so ADHD-ridden.