"..there's a paradox in every paradigm.."

we only speak in metaphors and parables
a clever concoction of conundrums
our fortunes told by lines on our faces
etched by furrowed brows
instead of smiles

...cut me open and count my rings...
they're just a barrage of angry sanguine tail lights,
streetlamp constellations,
and white lines on the road that keep time to the music in our heads
"...you're either coming or you just left,
but you are always on the way..."

...our age in crumpled coffee cups,
expired ink pens,
worn soles,
and mumbling, "star light, star bright" under our breaths...

"Hey. That's not a star. It's just Mars."

"Well, damn. What a waste of time."
___

Surprisingly, I'm not really depressed or in a bad mood. I just felt like writing. I'm just sitting around in the library in a squishy chair with a white hot chocolate, thinking about doing my homework and I pulled out my notebook that has a bunch of lines that really aren't tied together very well and decided to pull out some twine. The only things I'm missing are my hoody, headphones (GAH!), and my favorite spot. WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS SLEEP IN MY SPOT?!?!

Bah. I should do my homework.

Toodles!

"...so she's got a soft spot for heels and spurs..."

Wow, that line is so very true.

It was so wonderfully windy today.

I really want to fly a kite!

They found a couple of students dead in their dorm rooms recently. The first one was before Thanksgiving Break. I think that the second may be a rumor as I haven't seen anything concrete about it. Except the fact that my mom called me asking about it literally 2 seconds after I learned that the second one had been found today. That would be one helluva powerful rumor. All I know is that it's extremely odd.

What's with everyone getting sick or dying lately? That's pretty much all I heard about over break. My cousin's mother-in-law, a fireman that my family obviously knew, my aunt's husband's something's dad........ well, you get the point. Obviously not been a good beginning of the holidays for most people.

I think it's a conspiracy. A turkey conspiracy. It was all the turkey's fault!

By the way, where'd the time/date option go on the postey-thingy?

What's the weather like today? 31 F. Which is fucking cold as hell.

What's it supposed to be Monday? High of 72 F with a 60% chance of scattered thunderstorms.

What about Wednesday? Partly cloudy, high 44 F.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

"...and you walk through your house without turning on lamps, sure of the angle from door to table, from table to staircase..."

Ranna's computer clock trips me out. It's still set to San Diego time, so it's 3 hours slow.

I ate so much today. Until I was extremely uncomfortable. Then I laid around complaining until it didn't hurt anymore and did it all again!

I need to do laundry.

You know what's a neat word that just popped into my head? "Insignia."

I'm gonna go play with the puppies and watch tv!

Shae!

Homeward bound...

...for Thanksgiving break. Tomorrow. Which makes me do this: :(

I get to house-sit for my aunt again, though! That makes me do this: :XD!

Hrm. Nothing more to report, I guess.

Shae!

I want SNOW, dammit!

I wonder what would happen if we were to be snowed into our dorms?

Lesson of the week: some things are best left to themselves.

I remember my mamaw telling me after I put my tooth under the pillow not to lick the place where the tooth used to be and the new one would grow in gold. What was she thinking? That I could actually leave something well enough alone? Impossible.

We ate China today! The WHOLE country! Or at least it felt like it when we left King Buffet.

I really can't think of anything much more to say, so I'm going to stop procrastinating the studying of the psych and get to work.

Shae!

Nights like tonight remind us that we're not really in control here. Torrents of rain, flashes of light, gusts of wind. That screeching weather siren isn't going to change anything. Huddling in the basement in droves isn't going to help anything. We just like to pretend that we have a handle on anything and everything that life throws at us. We just want to have a reason to name that new ulcer "Kansas."

No matter what you do, you're still life's bitch.

I just wanna go sit in it.

I'm going to check my email one more time (my psych syllabus says we have a test tomorrow, but I don't actually remember her saying anything about it BEING tomorrow) and go back to my room and do homework. I canNOT wait until this semester is over. Don't really know why I'm so anxious to get it over with. Just gotta do it all again next semester.

Ta-ta!
Shae!

"...you know its time to change when you're only wet bacause of the rain..."

...And that's why I love Tori Amos...

...And, for the record, I'm fucking SOAKED... It's POURING the rain from above and a fire hydrant river was flowing from below. Some jackass must have thought it would be hilarious to send gallons and gallons of water rushing from the hydrant and across the road by McGregor. Now my I'm pretty much fucking SOAKED from head to toe.

I tell ya, there's a vast increase in the amount of scary people on campus. I swear!

I sat down here and had, in my mind, a reason to get back up and go somewhere in the library. Now, I honestly do not have any idea what I was supposed to do.

It always feels like there's something so much more important to say. To do.

I want to just sit in the rain. Is that crazy? And if it weren't so cold, I'd probably go puddle jumping.

Restless at best.

FUCK! My passport. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Get it together, Shae. Goddamnit.

I should start picking out names for my ulcers.

Totally thought this ad on launchcast said "Kanye drops dead." And today was ALMOST a really good day, despite the fact that I have SO much freakin' work to do and it's raining like crazy.

SO! Here's my life right now.
Priorities:
1) Civ Paper Part 3 - Final Draft (due Monday)
2) Civ reading response (due Monday)
3) Humanities final draft (already REALLY overdue)
4) study for Humanities exam 3 (already REALLY overdue)
5) catch up on Huamnities reading for section 4 and reading response
6) PSY291 lab report (already REALLY overdue)
7) Study for PSY291 that I have Wednesday
8) Civ reading response (due Wednesday)

I have to have ALL of this done by TUESDAY because I'm going to a Bright Eyes concert in Louisville on Tuesday night!!!!!!!!!!!! (I probably shouldn't go, given the level of suck school has been lately and all, but... I've never been one for intelligent choices.)

Oh, well. Here we go!

Shae!

"...up up up up up up raises the stakes of the game. each day sinks its bootprint into her clay and she's not the same..."

I REALLY need to stop listening to Ani's "Up Up Up Up Up Up" album. But I can't! It's so lyrically splendid!

"She says my sister still calls every Sunday night after the rates go down. And I still can never manage to say anything right."

VISIT MY SISTER'S AND BROTHER'S WEBSITES! Play close attention to their randomness and sarcasm (especially Sam, as her site is the more developed right now).

Well, I have to cut my entry short as Daniel and I are Jesus trekkin' to Taco Bell.

WOOT!

Shae!

"the one person who really knows me best
says i'm like a cat
yeah the kind of cat that you just can't pick up
and throw into your lap
no, the kind that doesn't mind being held
only when its her idea
yeah, the kind that feels what she decides to feel
when she is good and ready to feel it"

Sleep would be nice right about now.

*sits silently in computer room* *suddenly hears a fairly high-pitched* "Niki! NIKI! NIKINIKINIKINIKINIKINIKI!" *blinks* I don't think I'd ever trade this dorm for any other.

DAMMIT, printer! I could have reset you faster than you can reset yourself! I just would have turned off your bitch ass! *punches it*

It was cold today. AND I HATE MY DAMNED SOCIAL DEVIANCE CLASS!!! The class is poorly organized, unstructured, redundant, and random. There's only three tests all year and his teaching style just... frustrates me to no end. He's so very superfluous in his information that you have NO idea what the hell is important. There's no study guides. Only a vague review the day before the exam. Then there's the material. Of course, the Sociology of Deviance IS RELATIVE. Understood. Check. But does it always have to be in the opinon of the teacher? And does said teacher have to WRITE THE TEXTBOOK YOU USE? (And poorly at that.) And does he have to be so biased against psychology, my major of choice? He called psychology a "Peter Pan" theory. "Clap if you believe." Because it's not based in science at all. *rolls eyes* He's so very arrogant. He throws about names and theories and his supposed unparalleled knowledge of the subject as if it were confetti on New Years Eve. And then we have questions on the test (85 multiple choice, 10 definitions, 5 essay questions worth 5pts each; 14 pages in all) like "A fish's head rots before its body, says Derber. True or false?"

So I changed my minor from criminology/deviance to international studies. Fuck this shit.

The end.

"Go ahead. Ask me if I care. I got the answer here, I wrote it down somewhere. I just gotta find it."

Wow. I guess that's all I have to say. Wow.

Okay, that's rarely all I have to say.

"Fozzie Bear was an ASS!!!" *blinks*

You know, I really didn't/don't even know that kid. Hah.

JUST FUCKING PARK, VAN!!! You're NOT going to find a close spot to this damn dorm! And you're wasting who-knows-how-much gas!

SHIT! I forgot to go check on a job today. And email loads of people that I should have emailed.

So, I'm not sure if I'm floating on cloud nine or sitting in cell block six. I think its just that moment when you're blissfully oblivious to so many insane happenings that you just don't know what to think yet. That there's no algorithm that makes any sort of sense. And you really don't give a damn. "Throw up your hands and let destiny steer."

DAMMIT! The squeak of that van's steering wheel is really grating my nerves. He/She's seriously circled this area MORE THAN 20 times. I'm willing to bet.

I have a few things in the wash. I guess we'll just have to wait until the cycle's done to see if they're comfortable enough to wear.

In a less metaphorical sense, I found this fucking awesome coat at a local thrift store today. AND a hat to match! A friend of mine (LOVE YA SAM!) came in and let me borrow the cash until I got the monies back from my motherboard. I'm real excited!

You know, I still don't understand exactly how I got to this point. I'm still not quite sure how to define "this point." I'm just glad that maybe someone's taking me seriously this time around. Or, more true to the truth, I'm probably just deluding myself. I'm still trying to balance a teeter-totter all on my lonesome.

"I'm getting bold in my old age, so go ahead. Try the door. It doesn't matter anymore."

One glorious day!

So. I started the day out right by fucking my ankle up on a damned pine cone. Don't laugh. It could happen to you. I KNEW it was about time for me to hurt myself, though. It had been far too long. I hadn't sprained my ankle since my very first semester of college.

My karma broker is just shuffling through worst case scenarios to find the perfect investments for all my inadvertently accrued bad karma. (I say inadvertently because I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!!! I PROMISE!!!)

Now I have "karma police" stuck in my head.

At any rate, then I learned something very valuable. Hang outside of Powell long enough and, like a stray puppy, people WILL feed you. (I'm so poor I don't even have money to get myself nourishment. Until I get the money back from my faulty motherboard. Speaking of, I should check my ebay account.)

Went to apply for my passport today and I forgot the card for my camera at the dorm. Got the damned camera, but left the fucking card. Bah. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because, for some reason unbeknownst (I just realized that I REALLY like that word) to myself, one may only apply for a passport between the times of 9-11am and 1-3pm. How ridiculous is that?

People on campus should play hide-and-seek more. Or people bingo. Hermits should be worth more points. People like me who wander about confused and aimless should be less points.

I say "more" like any people at all already play this shit.

THE DAY OF HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE GROWS NEAR!

...Now that I'm officially a fucking reject, I'm going to get to my homework...

WOOT,
Shae!

"..i'll trade you one for two nightmares of mine.."

I CAN'T REMEMBER THE REST OF THE WORDS TO THIS SONG! It's driving me NUTS!

Waiting on some laundry to be done. I seriously think my most favorite thing in the world is clean laundry.

All I want this weekend is milk for my cherry cheerios and my tv remote.

...And my bed!

I'm tired and losing my patience for people. I feel like I've been running a marathon while juggling flaming howler monkeys and tap dancing every other step.

I burnt my finger on a super duper hot plate this morning. It feels weird. Like dead.

*disappears in a puff of smoke*

"'...if I had it my way,' she says, 'it'd be friday and we'd stay and dance til after the band packed their stuff away.'"

"Connection lost."

How profound, Mr. msn2go!

Way to take my life and sum it all up into two little words!

HEY! A friend just called and there may be a very slight chance that we may go to King's Island this weekend!!! (Very slight being the operative words here.) It's enough to get me all excited and such!

The fortune cookie I got today says, "Maybe you can live on the moon in next century." I scotch taped it to my cell phone.

...Yes... Perhaps...

I need to do laundry SO badly! (I'm just killing time right now until Daniel and Stephanie get out of the University Writing Requirement shits.)

THEN! Midnight breakfast and maybe some photo-takin'!

Man, oh, man, I'mma eat me some gravy and biscuits, bitch!

Wow, my Dalai Lama bag is starting to incur a smell. Not only does it look like a hippie bag, it now SMELLS like a hippie bag! ROCK!

...I was going to post some photos from the drunkenness that commenced on Halloween, but I just realized how horrible they are... Do you REALLY know how hard it is to keep the attention of three drunk people with ADD on a camera?

Answer: Damn hard.

...come again?

I woke up vaguely resembling Edward Scissorhands this morning. The goo stuff I put in my hair had it all fucked times nine and I forgot to wash off my makeup last night. Of course, the pale is a given.

Sometimes, when things are going extroadinarily well, I just like to make things complicated.

Shake things up a bit.

Things at home are hell on Earth. I must say I'm only minutely surprised. It's just something added that I did not need to worry about.

I'm so very powerless over everything. Like a dancer around a maypole. Just going through the motions. The same thing over and over. Skipping about with flowers braided into your hair, around, around, around, around until... you finally run out of ribbon. And that's the end. No fireworks. No fanfare. All you have to show for it is some damned pole with a fuckton of ribbon wound around it.

...Or memories that, as I type this, are hopelessly unwinding themselves...

"Oh, I've been crazy for quite some time now. I just have a spectacular poker face."

I should have taken pictures.

Don't listen to a damn thing I say.

No matter how hard I try to convince you, it is NOT TUESDAY!

I missed classes because of this. Had my clock set for 10 because I thought it was Tuesday. I got all excited when I woke up at 8 this morning and reset my clock, thinking, "HELLS YES, I don't have class til 11!!!" And I KEEP thinking its Thursday. I don't think Wednesday exists in my little world full of pixie dust and people who don't lie.

I'm thinking real hard about going back to bed.

Au revoir!
Shae

"...wrapped around your feet... wrapped around like good little roses..."

The word of the day, children, is "clusterfuck." Can YOU say "clusterfuck"?

"...do you gotta have a triple decker super fudge sundae with a goddamned cherry on top?"

"You're a horrible actress, Shae. That's why you're a psychology major."

Alrighty, 3:45 am and my first drunken entry EVER ensues!

My hands are fucking numb. So is my face and the rest of my body. Except my eyes. My eyes are burny!

I have a test tomorrow. Surprised?

I'm thinking about asking for a makeup.

3:47.

I could fall asleep right here, right now.

What did I ever do to deserve such splendid friends?

You know who you are. Thank yourselves for me as I will probably never be quite this appreciative sober.

My favorite song of late:

Come Away - Ani Fucking Difranco

next to the glass ashtray
in a little plastic baggy
is a bitter rock remedy
really good stuff
but i take offense to the fact
that you're so hell bent
you try to tell me this world
just isn't beautiful enough?

do you wanna get off
is this your stop
do you gotta have a triple decker super fudge sundae
with a goddam cherry on top

i mean, what makes you so lavish that you can afford
to spend ever sober moment feeling angry and bored

why won't you come
come away from
come away from it
why

why won't you come
come away from

we used to hold hands down
those unfamiliar streets
you used to take me diving
into the watery blue deep
but now you're trying to find every tiny treasure
every shiny penny of pleasure
satisfy every selfish purpose
before you swim back up to the surface

why won't you come
come away from
come away from it

why won't you come
come away from
come away from it
why

and you think that i just don't like it anymore
but i'll tell you what i don't like
i don't like that i have to put the training wheels back on your bike
and i don't like the extravagance
or the way you taste when i kiss you
i don't like being left alone
baby don't you think i miss you

why won't you come
come away from
come away from it
why

come away from
come away from it
why won't you come
come away from
come away from it

*end transmisison*

There's mumbling coming from the other room.

I don't want to go to bed. Ever. I don't want to miss anything. Ever. Good or bad. I want to revel in it all. I want to find all these keys, drunk or sober. I want everything to absorb in my head. I want everything to express itself the best way possible in my head. I just want... everything all at once. Overwhelmingly. So I don't know how to make sense of it all. So I don't even want to try. Anymore. So I don't even want to fucking try.

It's all so much better than nothing.

I'm gonna find my drunken slumber.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Shae!