"They say goldfish have no memories, I guess their lives are much like mine..."

"...and their little plastic castle is a surprise everytime."

The same songs play over and over in my cranium.

My laptop is still on its sickbed... and I'm hoping it isn't a deathbed.

The bones at the base of my neck are sore from yoga. Shoulder stand. "So THAT'S what she was hoping to avoid with the four blankets at the base of your neck thing!"

I'm wearing my new zim shirt! "It's not stupid... it's advanced!" *raises hand*

Thinking the thing that was missing from my life is caffeine. Poor man's speed. At least to the caffeine intolerant.

Upside: my room is clean.

I guess I should scoff in the face of health because "eating healthy" just means I have more blood in my caffeine/sugar stream.

I had the wonderful pleasure of possibly failing a retard biology test today. "Fuck it, the answer to this question is now 'E'. 'All of the above.'"

I now remember how wonderfully blissful it is to have only 3 hours of sleep, though. Your body just doesn't fall into that whole "deep sleep" thing and so you wake up easily, feeling rather wide-eyed. Until your 5th class of the day at 6pm, listening to a teacher drone about roots and parabolas. She actually called on me today. I was staring at something on my shirt so I started up and looked at the board wide-eyed and said, "Sorry! I have a little attention span problem. What was the question?" She just called on someone else and apologized later. *L* "Oh, that's fine. I just have the attention span of a small mammal."

I guess teachers still don't like your not paying attention in college. I know they absolutely despised it in high school.

Well, I'm going to go change for bed and down some tylenol pm. 3 hours of sleep last night, 5 classes, and a wal-mart trip and I'm still wired like a fucking microwave.

I'll go to sleep as soon as the little ADHD ridden midget in my head stops changing the station. "ANI! SOUND GARDEN! INCUBUS! Garth Brooks?!"

*sings* So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BOW BEFORE MY WONDERFUL T-SHIRT SHIRT OF DOOM!

The Art of Misanthropy

Doesn't it seem like sometimes you follow routine so much that you forget you exist? Like you just go through the motions and you wake up sometime between breakfast and your third class of the day, not remembering if you went to your other classes. You have to pinch yourself to prove it. Why is that the norm? Pinching oneself? Is it because it causes pain? Is pain really what makes us remember we're alive? Is life really defined by tragedy?

Sometimes, when things go well and the God of the masses doesn't smite me on a daily basis, I forget to think. Forget to have ideals. Is this what "normal," "happy" people feel on a daily basis? Numb? No passion for anything? No opinions? No wonder they're victims to the "socially accepted" norms of mentality. How could we expect them to be any different?

At times, I wake up in the middle of the year and realize I'm in a whole new place in life. A place I never said I would be. Or a place I previously envied, but find it strangely insatiate.

Sometimes, I wake up and I don't recognize who I am anymore. And I wonder where I slipped.

So I'm bitter. I have a lot of reason to be bitter. I remember making a promise to myself that I would never grow up to be one of the bitter, serious-minded adults that pervade the planet. But how can one stay completely true to that promise when you experience all the "wonderful" things life has to offer? Learn all the injustices and unfair things that happen in the world? Is ignorance truly bliss? Is apathy truly a way of life? Why is life absolute hell for all those people who don't fall in line to social norms, forcing them to be bitter toward all those who get special treatment for succumbing to their unsaid shepherd? "Sheep," I would say if it weren't so terribly cliche'.

There's not a lot to be happy about anymore. I wonder if social suggestion is truly escapable at this level of life. Like a stream confined to the restrictions of its banks. A stream fed by the hand of some uncontrollable deity. People have to eat. Have to have steady social relationships. Have to have clothing on their backs. Things which are undeniably and inescapably tied by social suggestion.

I'm tired of supposedly not being an acceptable job applicant. Is it my clothing? My appearance? The way I speak? The town I live in? I'm so discouraged in the status of my future that I just don't want to try anymore. I'm so bound by people's preconceived notions. What's expected of me. What people think of me. The person I was before as compared/contrasted to the person I am today. Trapped in a mold I've fought day and night to dispell for weeks, months, years. But how can I if I'm surrounded by those perfectly contented in it?

I'm so frustrated with my inability to choose a "career." In the conventions one has to follow to make a decent living. Pay back loans. Supply the necessities. Everything I think of has something terminally wrong with its prospects. Selectivity of the field, something completely opposing my convictions, the predisposition (or lack thereof) of wealth and social status to obtain the education and recognition to "jump start" one's career. Let's just face it. To make any sort of life for oneself, one must embark on an inevitable lifetime journey of shameless self promotion. And what about those who have SERIOUS self-confidence issues?

What if you just weren't made for this sort of game?

Perhaps I dream/dreamt far too big.

Perhaps I thought myself to be something I'm not.

I don't know anymore.

How do you kick-start inspiration? Motivation? Direction? Change?

How do you burn preconceived notions? Norms? Terms of acceptance?

How do you build your will?

How do you stay sane?

Le Blah

Today's a weird day. Got up at 11am (which is relatively real early for me for not having class), left the dorm by 2pm to find food. I didn't even shower. Just tied on a "bandy dan," threw on an oversized hoodie with a "kanga pouch," and left. I think I'm getting whatever's going around. I'm sick to my stomach, but I'm restless. I'm frustrated with sitting around here, but I can't think of anything else to do. I can think of about 5 things I SHOULD do that I HAVE to do eventually, but I don't have the motivation to do them.

I'm in the process of looking for a piece of shit inspiron 1100 laptop on ebay. Figure that it'll be cheaper to buy a parts computer than it is to buy a $399 brand new system board. That way, I'll have an extra parts computer as well. Just in case any fucking thing else decides to spontaneously implode.

Nah, I'm not fed up with this lovely sanity goose-chase! I think its FUN! *ecstatic smile and thumbs up*

I'll update more when I sort out this technological hell.

Drought of the Mind

Photojournalism is turning out to be a humongous waste of my time. I, so far, have gotten NO constructive criticism while he mumbles things of cropping and desaturation to my classmates.

I'm going to go watch "To Catch a Thief," "Anatomy of a Murder," and "Sunset Boulevard." Then read the chapter in the book, study for Art History slide test 2 tomorrow, and start my paper for COM351. All this in about, oh... 7 hours? *scoffs* Yeah, right.

I needed to do laundry, too. Doesn't look like that's going to happen.

I feel fucking nauseous. Do NOT eat fast food once in EONS. It's AWFUL.

I'm a packrat. My pockets are full of movies, cell phone, various wrappers, pens, and paper. I have NO idea how I accumulate so much junk.

Called about my laptop today. He said, and I quote, "It looks like its more serious than we thought." *blinks* I guess its just a waiting game from henceforth. Woopie.

Well, I'm going to get to crackin' on this work. Blah.

Ta!

I say "fuck" too much.

I'm hungry, I'm tired, my eyes burn, and I want to know why the FUCK everyFUCKINGthing on campus (including our fine food establishments) closes at 5pm on Friday and doesn't even THINK about opening until Sunday?

Fucking suitcase colleges.

Called concerning my laptop and it seems thus far that Dell was right about one thing (in other news, Satan has learned to ice skate). Seems I'm going to be out a bountiful amount of taxpayer's hard earned cash to replace the motherboard, though the exact figure won't be known until I am contacted Monday. Woo fucking hoo.

Our fine administrative establishment hosted ANT (from the Last Comic Standing and Celebrity Fit Club fame) last night to perform at TAG (Thursday Alternate Getaway.. because people generally get smashed on Thursdays here). FUCKING HILARIOUS. I swear to god. I'm happy that the backwards redneck republicans that seemed to have proliferated the audience ("What year are you?" "Senior." "What's your major?" "Forensic science." "Oh, really? What do you plan to do when you graduate?" "...I dunno..." *DOH!*) generally appeared to accept him (and his gay antics) openly. He seemed to feel right at home, though, and quickly proclaimed us (as an audience) as "great" and deems to "mention us" on his upcoming guest spot on the Tonight show (or some other show like that, my ADD wouldn't let me remember). My thoughts? "Great. Kentucky now moves down another notch because of the people who chose to sit in the front row." Oh, well. Maybe it won't be too bad?

He is also a tiny, tiny man. I felt like the Jolly Green Giant next to him. Then again, he was leaning on the table. *shrug*

Then, I hasd pizza and a coke which, by the way, is CAFFEINATED. 5am? Shae's still wide awake and her mind racing. Back to the time when she told her mom she was an atheist. Well, her aunt asked her if she was and she said yes and... what the hell, why get technical? Well, her argument was, "Shae, I knew you were lost, but I didn't know you were THAT lost. You were dedicated to God as a baby!" "...Wow, now that was unfair. Especially coming from the woman who wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until i was in SIXTH GRADE because you wanted it to be 'my choice.'" Then, I realized I probably have a bronze plaque on my ass somewhere making it official. "..Shit.."

The joy of dysfunctional pentacostal family life. I swear, the last time I went to church with my mamaw, the preacher was speaking in tongues. "*saunters vaguely out back door*"

At least it wasn't like the last church we went to. I remember a time when you had to walk in front of the pulpit just to go take a piss. All eyes on you, everyone knew your business.

Now my grandmother has a different church lined up for every night of the week. The last time she went to McDonald's for breakfast with my mom and aunts, she made them turn around to get a packet of salt the disgruntled drive thru worker had forgotten. Her reasoning behind this? She saw a preacher once that quoted the Bible as saying, "What is an egg without salt?" My mom replied, "...Bland."

Now, there's faith and fanaticism and a fine line in between and dear ol' mamaw was done toeing that line long ago.

Bah. I'm sleepy and hungry and have no immediate choice of nourishment (since my choices are limited). Starving to death for the day is quite within reach right now due to my high levels of lazy and low levels of giving a shit.

I'm exasperated! :XD

In between classes. Skipped yoga and cinema history. I'm a dumb bitch. That made me do this: :(

Art history and biology lab both let out early. That makes me do this: :D

I'm not between biology and an algebra test and what am I doing instead of studying? You guessed it. Writing in this suck ass blog.

Bought a new cell phone so I can call people! $238 bucks.

Learned that I have a "small package" over at my old dorm. Probably my charger. "Oh, well. I 'needed' a new one anyway." *le sigh*

Bought an XD card reader for my camera! I can take photos again! (Whenever I remember to charge the battery.)

Called the laptop place. "Call tomorrow and I'll have an answer for you." (In computer repair layman's terms, that means "I have no idea what the hell is going on, but boy, oh, boy, you're going to be financially fucked in the ass for this one!")

*glares* *removes the fucking fishing hook from mouth* I will NOT be strung along.

*cracks the whip*

I'm going to go partake of a smoothie (and hope Sam's working because I can't be bothered to remember the NAME of my favorite smoothie. So I make her do it.) and study for algebra. Managed to put it off until I have 40 mins left, 10 for smoothie time and 5 for travel. So color me fucked.

Ta!